Monthly Archives: August 2013
It is days like today that make me conclude that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.
Today I exude positivity, proactivity and ambition; I feel comfortable within my own skin; my body and my mind both connect and create the jigsaw puzzle that is me; today I have a plan.
Even for those people that know me pretty well – this probably doesn’t seem that out of the ordinary. I’ve always been imaginative and pushing to achieve more; I’ve been able to engage with my own life both mentally and physically and I’ve never had issues with focus. This, however is just the part of me that enjoys going out and being around people, being silly and working hard to create something. Very few people witness the part of me that struggles to get out of bed, out of the house or even motivate myself to think of one positive thing in my life.
Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of positive things in my life. In the grand scheme of things I’m blessed. That doesn’t change the fact that some days (more recently than ever), I’ve lacked direction and a sense of purpose.
So today, when I have that plan, I have that go-get-’em mindset and the world is my oyster, it becomes just too blatant that I have a problem outside of this mind-frame, what is most frightening at the moment is that I have little to no idea how long this mindset will last. How long will it be before I sink back into that lull of insecurity, purposelessness and depression – and I don’t use the word lightly. That is what makes me realise that something is wrong and surely it isn’t simply depression. I’ve been told I have mood-swings, but I don’t know if that’s true. I have changes of mindset. I can go from hopeless to indestructible, immortal to worthless.
When the time comes to describe this to someone – a doctor, or a counselor, it rarely comes out with this kind of clarity (if that is what this is), it comes clouded and convoluted – the same fog that comes with anti-depressants seems to billow from my mouth in a gush of thoughtless urgency.
Next week I will begin a stress and mood management course (I don’t even know how this came about) and I presume that I will feel about it then much as I do now – hopeless. Perhaps I’m just being dramatic in thinking that there is something more to these fluctuating personalities than just mood and stress (for the record, I’m don’t really feel stressed) but I have a sense of something darker looming – but as I said, perhaps that is just my theatrical tendency.
For now I should embrace my plan, for at least today, I have one, it might not have longevity, it may not fix all my problems, but it’s a plan, and for now, that’s all I can count on.
P (Oh and a huge happy birthday to the best Mom in the world (Yeah, I know you’re reading this Mom))
Sorry it’s been so long; things have been coming up, as they inevitably do. I’ve been trying to sort myself out. I think things kind of got on top of me the last few years and I hadn’t really realized it. At the beginning of Summer I returned to the doctors and they put me back on anti-depressants. If you’ve taken anti-depressants before, perhaps you’ll understand this when I say, it kind of fogs things up; on one hand, I wasn’t having really low mood swings, but on the other hand, it became a struggle to really work up any enthusiasm for anything. It became hard to concentrate.
At the beginning of this week I made the choice to stop taking my medication. Things are starting to de-fog; to materialize. There is a new energy welling up in me, and I hope it isn’t short lived. My desire to write and be creative feels like it’s surging forward again, and this only makes me want to work harder and organize my thoughts and my life better.
It’s that, and the fact it’s only a month until I’m another year older that has me thinking about turning over that new leaf again. Of course when I started this blog it was my ambition to stick to something – that hasn’t changed. I’ve started building myself a new life, and I’ve just been a little lost for direction (truth be told, I still lack direction) but now I’m looking in the right direction and all I have to do is move with energy and purpose, and the paths will reveal themselves to me. So this isn’t a new leaf. This is the same leaf (ironically blooming with flower just as we’re about to enter Autumn) which I intend on taking to a new level. I need to reconsider my purpose and my focus and make it the forefront of my energy.
So my goals for the next month leading up to my birthday? Start a new campaign – promote my new band, promote myself as a writer. Write more – some short stories and some poetry ready to set free into the world. Engage in lateral publicity and marketing such as crowd-funding and donation based sales. Return to thinking of art as art, not as work. That’s the main problem. I think it’s a problem that too many people are having. I was concerned I wasn’t taking my art seriously enough. I was wrong. I was taking it too seriously. That’s not to say I should be unprofessional – I need to learn to be more professional. But I also need to enjoy my art as opposed to forcing it for the sake of money.
So next month you’ll be seeing lots of writing, a couple of new websites, and a new blog. Yep, that’s right, I’m putting this short lived blog to rest. It served a purpose and I think that is coming to it’s end. I will continue to use it over the coming weeks, but I think this has been about me and my recovery from what ever self-imposed cataclysm I accidentally made myself endure. I want my new blog to be about art and a reborn life.
So, stay tuned!
P.S. Oh, you can follow my new band on twitter now by the way @AtlasLake – there will be a free song to download later on today!!