Out of my Mind
It is days like today that make me conclude that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.
Today I exude positivity, proactivity and ambition; I feel comfortable within my own skin; my body and my mind both connect and create the jigsaw puzzle that is me; today I have a plan.
Even for those people that know me pretty well – this probably doesn’t seem that out of the ordinary. I’ve always been imaginative and pushing to achieve more; I’ve been able to engage with my own life both mentally and physically and I’ve never had issues with focus. This, however is just the part of me that enjoys going out and being around people, being silly and working hard to create something. Very few people witness the part of me that struggles to get out of bed, out of the house or even motivate myself to think of one positive thing in my life.
Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of positive things in my life. In the grand scheme of things I’m blessed. That doesn’t change the fact that some days (more recently than ever), I’ve lacked direction and a sense of purpose.
So today, when I have that plan, I have that go-get-’em mindset and the world is my oyster, it becomes just too blatant that I have a problem outside of this mind-frame, what is most frightening at the moment is that I have little to no idea how long this mindset will last. How long will it be before I sink back into that lull of insecurity, purposelessness and depression – and I don’t use the word lightly. That is what makes me realise that something is wrong and surely it isn’t simply depression. I’ve been told I have mood-swings, but I don’t know if that’s true. I have changes of mindset. I can go from hopeless to indestructible, immortal to worthless.
When the time comes to describe this to someone – a doctor, or a counselor, it rarely comes out with this kind of clarity (if that is what this is), it comes clouded and convoluted – the same fog that comes with anti-depressants seems to billow from my mouth in a gush of thoughtless urgency.
Next week I will begin a stress and mood management course (I don’t even know how this came about) and I presume that I will feel about it then much as I do now – hopeless. Perhaps I’m just being dramatic in thinking that there is something more to these fluctuating personalities than just mood and stress (for the record, I’m don’t really feel stressed) but I have a sense of something darker looming – but as I said, perhaps that is just my theatrical tendency.
For now I should embrace my plan, for at least today, I have one, it might not have longevity, it may not fix all my problems, but it’s a plan, and for now, that’s all I can count on.
P (Oh and a huge happy birthday to the best Mom in the world (Yeah, I know you’re reading this Mom))