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It is days like today that make me conclude that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.
Today I exude positivity, proactivity and ambition; I feel comfortable within my own skin; my body and my mind both connect and create the jigsaw puzzle that is me; today I have a plan.
Even for those people that know me pretty well – this probably doesn’t seem that out of the ordinary. I’ve always been imaginative and pushing to achieve more; I’ve been able to engage with my own life both mentally and physically and I’ve never had issues with focus. This, however is just the part of me that enjoys going out and being around people, being silly and working hard to create something. Very few people witness the part of me that struggles to get out of bed, out of the house or even motivate myself to think of one positive thing in my life.
Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of positive things in my life. In the grand scheme of things I’m blessed. That doesn’t change the fact that some days (more recently than ever), I’ve lacked direction and a sense of purpose.
So today, when I have that plan, I have that go-get-’em mindset and the world is my oyster, it becomes just too blatant that I have a problem outside of this mind-frame, what is most frightening at the moment is that I have little to no idea how long this mindset will last. How long will it be before I sink back into that lull of insecurity, purposelessness and depression – and I don’t use the word lightly. That is what makes me realise that something is wrong and surely it isn’t simply depression. I’ve been told I have mood-swings, but I don’t know if that’s true. I have changes of mindset. I can go from hopeless to indestructible, immortal to worthless.
When the time comes to describe this to someone – a doctor, or a counselor, it rarely comes out with this kind of clarity (if that is what this is), it comes clouded and convoluted – the same fog that comes with anti-depressants seems to billow from my mouth in a gush of thoughtless urgency.
Next week I will begin a stress and mood management course (I don’t even know how this came about) and I presume that I will feel about it then much as I do now – hopeless. Perhaps I’m just being dramatic in thinking that there is something more to these fluctuating personalities than just mood and stress (for the record, I’m don’t really feel stressed) but I have a sense of something darker looming – but as I said, perhaps that is just my theatrical tendency.
For now I should embrace my plan, for at least today, I have one, it might not have longevity, it may not fix all my problems, but it’s a plan, and for now, that’s all I can count on.
P (Oh and a huge happy birthday to the best Mom in the world (Yeah, I know you’re reading this Mom))
Sorry it’s been so long; things have been coming up, as they inevitably do. I’ve been trying to sort myself out. I think things kind of got on top of me the last few years and I hadn’t really realized it. At the beginning of Summer I returned to the doctors and they put me back on anti-depressants. If you’ve taken anti-depressants before, perhaps you’ll understand this when I say, it kind of fogs things up; on one hand, I wasn’t having really low mood swings, but on the other hand, it became a struggle to really work up any enthusiasm for anything. It became hard to concentrate.
At the beginning of this week I made the choice to stop taking my medication. Things are starting to de-fog; to materialize. There is a new energy welling up in me, and I hope it isn’t short lived. My desire to write and be creative feels like it’s surging forward again, and this only makes me want to work harder and organize my thoughts and my life better.
It’s that, and the fact it’s only a month until I’m another year older that has me thinking about turning over that new leaf again. Of course when I started this blog it was my ambition to stick to something – that hasn’t changed. I’ve started building myself a new life, and I’ve just been a little lost for direction (truth be told, I still lack direction) but now I’m looking in the right direction and all I have to do is move with energy and purpose, and the paths will reveal themselves to me. So this isn’t a new leaf. This is the same leaf (ironically blooming with flower just as we’re about to enter Autumn) which I intend on taking to a new level. I need to reconsider my purpose and my focus and make it the forefront of my energy.
So my goals for the next month leading up to my birthday? Start a new campaign – promote my new band, promote myself as a writer. Write more – some short stories and some poetry ready to set free into the world. Engage in lateral publicity and marketing such as crowd-funding and donation based sales. Return to thinking of art as art, not as work. That’s the main problem. I think it’s a problem that too many people are having. I was concerned I wasn’t taking my art seriously enough. I was wrong. I was taking it too seriously. That’s not to say I should be unprofessional – I need to learn to be more professional. But I also need to enjoy my art as opposed to forcing it for the sake of money.
So next month you’ll be seeing lots of writing, a couple of new websites, and a new blog. Yep, that’s right, I’m putting this short lived blog to rest. It served a purpose and I think that is coming to it’s end. I will continue to use it over the coming weeks, but I think this has been about me and my recovery from what ever self-imposed cataclysm I accidentally made myself endure. I want my new blog to be about art and a reborn life.
So, stay tuned!
P.S. Oh, you can follow my new band on twitter now by the way @AtlasLake – there will be a free song to download later on today!!
Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to just walk across the world.
I have the kind of soul (is that trite?) that desires change whilst recently, my mind has desired knowledge. I’ve been less content with being, and proactively trying to change. I think knowledge and information has only hindered me; it has stained the real me in colours that don’t belong.
So yeah, sometimes I wish I could just escape that. Escape myself I guess. By walking across the world, perhaps I’d find out who I am. Recently a lot of things have presented themselves to me, a lot of things that feel right, a lot of ideas that belong. But something is preventing them from being part of me.
I imagine one day I will look back and wonder where there is a continent between me and my home, with any luck I’ll find this and remember that there already is.
Has anyone else wondered how long it will be until I run out of relevant cliches with the word “out” at the beginning? I’m almost sure I heard a virtual chorus of “I think you’ve arrived there already”.
So it seems my illness was short lived (phew, it really was a miserable day or two), as we all know men suffer from the flu a lot worse than women, so it’s a relief I made it out the other side. Just as well, I have things to be doing and it did make things harder to concentrate.
I’m feeling good again (should I stop talking about how I feel? I’m starting to wonder what this blog is actually about other than just me venting my thoughts onto a page.) Like, I’m almost back to a place where things start happening again. I can feel it building up. I’ve been writing, started posting to Protagonize again (if you want to check out some of my latest stuff it’s available here – http://www.protagonize.com/poem/tarantism-1), which is cool because it puts me in a creative place on a regular basis. I’ve been thinking about starting work on one of my novels, but I think the project might just be too ambitious, too big for me at this time. When I’m just recovering from whatever kind of creative blockage I’m suffering. So for now it looks like poetry is the way forward.
Poetry and music that is. There’s a lot of music floating around my head again, hopefully I can get it out of my head and on to the computer without a great deal of frustration!
So what IS the title of this blog entry about? Well you know I said I was giving up acting? I’ve always been the kind of person that wants what he can’t have. I want to do some acting – that doesn’t mean I’m running back to it as a career. It’s just I miss the actual activity, not the industry. Quite frankly the industry can go do one. It seems that there are a lot of talented people out there who aren’t getting the attention they deserve. I’m much happier creating my own work if it comes to acting. I’ll be sure to write scripts and make films that I can do some bits in, in the future. The thing is, as the title of the entry says, it does seem to be a mark in my skin that just won’t go away. No matter what I say or do, I’ll always be an ‘Actor’, and it’s that imperceptible mark on my skin that has reignited my passion, not the activity, but the idea that it is part of who I am.
Anyhow, today is for BBQ’s, friends and podcasts. It should be fun and a nice social break before another week of motivating myself to work!
Look out for the podcast in the next couple of weeks (I hope!).
Does anyone else think the new coke campaign is peculiar? Granted it must be working, because, well, we’re talking about it. I just can’t help but feel it has a certain awkwardness to it…
…so on Monday I made my way into London with my novelty bottle of Coke labelled ‘Sarah’ for the first time in a few weeks. Having lacked the incentive and energy to go anywhere recently I’ve become something of a recluse, so a short day in London was refreshing – and it assisted my inspiration.
I was at the studio where I was reviewing and discussing the future of my music. The good news is that they seem to enjoy the tracks I’ve made so far, looks like the band will be making an emergence after all. I’ll be sure to post more on that when the time is right!
The Podcast that I’ve been working on with a collective of my friends seems to be back on as well, and that gives me a project to focus on in my down-time. My mind is so fried with learning and trying out new stuff these last couple of weeks, playing around with some things that are second nature will rest my mind but keep me active.
I’ve been getting back in the swing of drawing and I’m trying to learn some new coding – I’m not getting anywhere fast, but hey.
Today has been a little crap to be honest. I think I’ve caught some kind of cough/splutter/cold thing and I had to have a root canal – which basically means walking around dribbling and looking like I had a stroke for most of the day.
But never mind. I’m still smiling, because I’m in my Dino-Onesie. Nothing beats the Dino Onesie.
Until next time!
I’ve been known to grumble and whinge in my time – it’s not something I like to do, it’s just something that kind of happens because I’ve been too thoughtless to pause and control my negative thoughts.
Nevertheless, the last two years have been difficult, but influential.
I can’t deny that the death of my grandmother hit me hard. She had a huge impact on my life and I had great admiration for her fighting spirit. She was a beautiful, strong woman and she taught me a lot during my life. What I failed to realise is how much she would continue to influence me in death.
Whilst recently I’ve had a lack of incentives and quite frankly quite a lot of drawbacks in my professional life, I’m still finding the means to continue and press on and on top of this, there is a silver lining – things have taken a turn for the better.
The good news? My Mom’s fight with Cancer seems to be over. She will have to go back every year just as a precaution, but she’s received the all clear and as far as I’m concerned that’s all that matters currently. It relieves my mind of one extra thing, which can’t be bad right now!
Aside from this, I’m paying off debts, seeking jobs and formulating a life plan – long overdue. As part of my final turning over of a new leaf, I’ve promised myself to be a lot more mindful of well, everything. How I write, how I talk, how I perceive situations and circumstance. How I approach life should radically change, and with any luck have a positive affect.
That’s all for now – with the major revelations out of the way now, this should become a lot more light hearted! I plan on writing about funny situations and just my every day life from here on in.
I’m addicted to epiphanies.
Some people have a weakness for drugs or for sex; I have an Achille’s heel for epiphanies. As I was growing up I found very little use for them; I spent a lot of my time doing what I wanted when I wanted and showed no real interest in changing. The last ten years have been… different.
I assume that it has something to do with the defining years of your life. Some people are eager to make an impression, some are eager to learn, some are eager to party. I like to think of myself as a learner. I can only assume that this is where my fondness for life-changing thought processes has come around.
The thing is, I can’t even seem to wait around until my birthday or for New Years to turn over a new leaf and change how I behave and think. It has become more frequent than that. This dire need for a new mind boggling clarity has manifested in burnt bridges, changes of attitude and binge habits here, there and everywhere. It’s like my split personality has a split personality.
I’ll get to the point. I want this to be the epiphany of all epiphanies. I want this to be the singular, most important, face-of-my-earth-altering epiphany I ever have. I need to stop. I need to pick a lifestyle, a life-plan, a life-partner and stick with it… them.
So here is my revelation, my last turned leaf, my final epiphany.
I am renouncing my career as an actor.
At some point I lost the passion for it, through whatever journey I took, I lost that little flame that begged me to become a huge Hollywood star. That doesn’t interest me now. I still have a creative passion and I will undoubtedly do some acting here and there, but I won’t be part of the chase.
This allows me to devote more time to other passions, such as my writing, my relationships and my health, which has managed to deteriorate once more. It is with that huge personal revelation that I can also announce I’ve been a month dry of alcohol – a huge accomplishment for me (and I hope you can all be supportive of this).
I can only hope that this is the last of my petty epiphanies, and that any future epiphanies that I have are fully enlightened concepts that will only strengthen my new path, rather than alter it completely.